Donna’s Only Hope

This realization hit me just recently. Or is it the second time around? We’ll’, it’s just that I made a complete fool out of myself again.
I don’t know what came over me that time but certainly it was not good. Not good at all.
It goes this way…….it was one of the tenderest times of my life. So pure. So poignant. That I had a quarrel with my best friend. If anyone can call it that.

Everyone knows how it feels like to be around your closest friend…after weeks of work and tight schedule….it feels good to be with the company of people who calm you, whose presence relaxes your inner turmoil.

I suddenly grew quiet and unattached in the middle of his bantering. I felt my body shivered. And then I started to turn cold inside. But I couldn’t begin to weaken. Could I? I badly needed to display an expression void of any emotions, emotions that would betray me.

Yet, my hands were shaking. I was losing it, and I didn’t lose it often. I am a strong person, and always have been.

If it’s any consolation, I have resigned myself already to this weakening long ago. That not everyone could have such a disturbing effect on me. Who could make me feel at peace with myself. With whom I wanted to be with most of the time. Corny, but true.

I really felt like a fool.-have hated myself for it. How could I have been so stupid enough to give in to such petty jokes? It isn’t like me to be this out of touch with my instincts. They are always good; I am smart; though I do some silly things at times. And, hell! Had I made a doozy of a mistake for the nth time around!

It’s a shame to have walked out of someone who has made me feel as if I was holding a little bit of heaven in my arms. Now, I’m harboring a taste of hell inside. So much for driving my courage up and higher. Trouble is, pride has let me down, now when I needed it the most to boost up my self-esteem.

So much for not pushing as hard as I could have. Regretfully, it isn’t my style to push. Just as I don’t like being forced or pressured.

Can anyone have any idea how awful this could feel? Oh my! “You can only get hurt by the one you love” really knocked its meaning right in front of my face. I have actually left myself completely open to hurt. I don’t do it often. And definitely not with anyone else.

This appalling emotion dropped me to a total lost again. But, I need to get back my life. Reclaimed myself. To get hurt by my own doing is a complete mess. I started to ask my logical reasoning for how long it would collapse my strength. However, seems like my mind abandoned me this time and asked me to consult what my heart really wanted.

And I hope that even this one comes back my way, especially peace and happiness. I only have little of these two. When it’s true, when it’s right, these can give me the kind of joy that I can’t get from any other experience. Now, this piece of stability is wavering. It’s beginning to shatter.

True, as they say, that real friends are hard to find. And I’m lucky to have one. Lucky, yes. To have found some happiness that I’m missing in this dull of life.

The greatest battle now is to humble my pride and push myself to one of the hardest thing to do. To ask for a reconciliation. This will, definitely, eat up all my courage and strength for sure. My greatest fear of all? Rejection.

Everything is simple when you don’t let the facts get in the way of having fun. The problem is that although the truth usually shines through, it may not today because fantasy continues to rule your world. One thing is true: if you can imagine it, you might be able to make it happen. It’s easier, though, if you cooperate with reality instead of avoiding it.